Wednesday, 22 March 2017

If I'll go to the job interview tomorrow,
I will not wear my long dress.
If I try to put on my long dress,
The employer will not get impressed.

I will therefore wear a short skirt
And while sitting,
I'll put my legs apart.
If he frowns and asks me "woman what do you really want?"
I will quickly grab his manhood and insert it in my cunt.

When I go to the job interview tomorrow,
I will not even carry my certificate.
If I carry any of my certificates,
I'll be in trouble - for none is legitimate

I will therefore carry my beauty,
In my fake fleshy breasts and my booty.
And I'll not be kept for long at the reception.
Like others who have higher qualifications.

When I get to the job interview tomorrow,
And the employer happens to be a woman,
I will start by picking up a quarrel.
And claim that the woman wants trouble.

I will say that she called me a harlot,
That I speak as if I'm a parrot.
I'll then remove my attire
And make people say "What a quagmire!!"

Dear honey,
if both of us are horny,
then what are we waiting for?
we both have an agenda to push.
there's no need to beat around the bush.
If I'll help you remove your pant
then my fingers have to slither in your cunt.

Dear sweetheart...
If you want to taste the sweat of my tongue,
while feeling the warmth of my hug,
then what are we waiting for?
we can switch off the lights and start snogging
then fuck in the new style called "doggy."

Oh! My lovely boo,
what is it that you want me to do?
If your nipples have gotten hard,
will biting them softly be bad?
my tongue can tickle your neck
until you shrink and hiss like a snake

The lovely Apple of my eye!
you who has paradise at the center of your thighs.
If there's something that you want me to touch,
say it!
don't stay far away from my couch.
if you stay away from my couch,
what will we be waiting for?

Monday, 2 January 2017

Residents of Malanga constituency,
I am asking you to give me another term,
You have seen my slack record for the past five years,
If you give me another term I will continue with the same zeal to bring development in this area,
Do not be distracted by poverty-stricken, power-hungry aspirants who are tarnishing my name in a bid to get political mileage,
As for me, I will let my slack record to speak on my behalf.

When I assumed office,the first thing I did was to construct a sign board for our health center,
When the former MP constructed the health center,he did not erect a sign board,
He embezzled the funds that were allocated for the construction of the health facility,
Let me ask you,
Can you eat a whole cow then claim you can not finish the tail?
As a result,our people have been wondering off to witchdoctor’s homesteads because of lack of clear directions to the health center.

Secondly,when my first wife died,how many bulls did I slaughter to feed the whole community?
The women who cooked,the young men who fetched water and those who dug the grave,did I not create jobs for them?
Did I not pay them well?
Look at my wife’s state of the art grave,have I not lifted the face of this constituency?
Now,for the very first time,we can boast of a cemented cemetery!

Lastly,look at the development I have brought in our schools,
In Ober secondary school,I constructed a metallic gate,
Since then,I have never heard of students sneaking out of school to go and steal maize in the neighbouring farms,
In Nyalendu primary school,I poured all the CDF money to construct a staff room,
Now our teachers do not have to operate form their houses anymore,
This has greatly reduced cases of pupils being impregnated by errant teachers,
Even those teachers who used to spend most of their  school time in
chang’aa dens  have relocated back to school,
If you people will vote for me again,even these chang’aa dens will be a thing of the past.

Monday, 26 December 2016

When I went to the village for Christmas,
I did not tell Awinja that I'm married.
I stopped my hired vehicle,
And asked her "do you want to be carried?" 
I told her "Awinja you look nice"
She gasped and said "mh! those are lies" 
She claimed that my vehicle looks cute
Then we banged at the back of the boot

When I went to the village for Christmas
I did not drink water from the river.
I said that my throat has an allergy
And that their water will poison my liver.
Girls looked at my huge phone with bliss
Some said "can we take a photo please?"
If they knew I'm a watchman in the city,
They would not have blushed at my greetings.

When I went to the village for Christmas,
I did not eat meals from the pot.
I roasted the penis of a goat,
And swallowed it right on the spot...
And when Christmas came to an end
I had no more money to spend.
I drove back to the city instead
And returned the hired car to my friend.

When I went to the city for Christmas
I was the man of the hour

Friday, 9 December 2016

My Fellow clansmen,
Who among you will marry Khayesi?

Khayesi has a masters degree,
The size of her brain has increased.
When I said she has a nice nail on her toe,
She sighed and said "really! I know."
And even before I welcomed her to my hut
She drove off and broke my tiny heart.

My Fellow clansmen,
If you want to approach Khayesi,
Do it at your own risk.

As for me, any time when I see her I'll flee.
Khayesi is not like Phanice,
Who can lend you her center for free
If you promise to buy her a sweet.
If you approach Khayesi with your greed,
She will ask you "what books do you read?"

My fellow clansmen,
You  who want to marry Khayesi,

Her dresses are scented and flowery.
They are expensive than all our dowries.
She cannot be lured by money.
Or names like sweetheart and honey.
One day when I stared at her breast,
She spat a thick saliva on my face.

Oh, my clansmen
Who will marry Khayesi?

Her eyeballs are like stars that keep sparkling.
But her gates have wild dogs that keep barking.
Her voice will sooth your soul when she starts chuckling.
But her tongue will cut you to pieces if she gets angry 
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