Friday, 17 November 2017

Man of God,
if you don't bribe me with
fifty percent of the tithe and offering
that you got today,
I will tell Opondo how one morning
I caught you inserting the nipple
of his wife's breast inside
your mouth.

As a matter of fact,
if you don't give me ten bags of
maize flour out of the eleven bags
that the church donated to you
last week,
I will show everyone pictures of you
taking Allango's daughter in a
guest house for consumption.
I will magnify the picture so that all
eyes can see the packet of condom
that sat on the right hand of your palm

Man of God,
do not try me.
If you won't give me five acres
out of the six acres of land
that the church donated to you,
I will spill the beans.
I will tell everyone that you used me
to hire people who talk in tongues
and faint when you begin to
chase evil spirits by shaking
your flying whisk.

As a matter of fact,
give me a "shut - up" gift.
I want the car that the church
donated to you.
If you give it to me
I will shut my loose tongue
for good.
I won't say that you are the owner of
the brothel that jewels the city with
harlots at the dead of the night.

Tuesday, 14 November 2017

Dear Virginia,
I want to know what you're made of.
Tell me why is it that when we get
into the boxing ring,
The highly held head that I have
usually eats a humble pie after the
first one silly minute.

Beautiful Virginia,
Tell me the secrets to your strength.
Tell me what it is that you have
That makes my chest swell like the
belly of a crocodile when you step
into the boxing ring.

Sweet Virginia,
Narrate to me.
Why is it that every time when we
get into a fight,
You're always the one who ends up
wiping streams of tears from the
eye that I have in the middle of my
faceless head?

Amazing Virginia,
You are as fragile as the petals of
a blooming rose.
But where do you get your
strength from?
Anytime when we get into a fight,
you are the one who emerges
Despite the fact that I'm the one who
looks like a warrior!

Meticulous Virginia,
Your art of war never seizes to
amaze me.
How is it that when we get out
of the boxing ring,
I'm the one who always bows down
to hide the mask of shame
on my one eyed faceless head?

Friday, 10 November 2017

My people,
I beg you to talk to Allango
my husband.

Ever since he came from
The land of milk and honey,
We have not had peace
in the house.

When I served him porridge in our
cultural calabash last night,
he poured the whole of it
into the dustbin....
He then broke the calabash into
tiny pieces and accused me of being
uncivilized for not serving him porridge
in an American cup.

As I knelt down to ask Allango to forgive me for not being civilized,
Allango covered his eyes with dark
goggles then lowered his American cape
and called me "fucking bitch!"

My people,
I don't know what "fucking bitch!" is.
Perhaps it's the new exclamation that
Allango uses when he gets angry.
perhaps it's an American insult...
Perhaps its a meal that people eat when they start to feel hungry.
I don't know.

When Allango felt thirsty and asked
for water the other day,
I rushed to our cold pot and fetched it
with the American cup that
he came with
Only for him to splash it on my face.
He said that in the land of milk and
honey people drink purified bottled

my dear uncles,
I beg you to talk to Allango
my husband.
Tell him to forgive me if I have wronged him.

Allango touched my once firm breasts
twenty years ago.
When I beg him to give me some
love and affection,
he usually smears his hands with
An American lubricant in readiness for
his daily masturbation.

Ever since Allango went to the land
of milk and honey,
The only time I open my legs is
when I go to pee or poo at
the pit latrine.
Tell him to remove the cobwebs that
have grown on the surface of my
honeypot like a true African.
For the past twenty years....
It's him I've been waiting for

Thursday, 9 November 2017

You have burdened the middle of
my legs with two big balls
for years.
Yet I have never complained.

You've stopped me in the middle of
long journeys.
Just to make me urinate in the bush...
Something I've never refused.

Why did you erect when our church
pastor asked me to stand and pray
in front of the holly alter? Eeh!!!
Do you not think that sometimes
you do things that put me to shame?

Yesterday when I was geared up to
make love to Auta, my girlfriend,
You refused to rise to the occasion!
you went ahead and shrunk your head
like the tail of a poisoned cat.

It's because of your arrogance that
Auta left my house in rage....
Dear penis,
is this how we'll live to operate?
that when I need your help most is
when you'll stop to cooperate?

Tell me,
What have I not done for you?
Did I not buy you new underwears
last week?
When you erected for the buttocks
of a harlot last month,
Did I not pay to make your end
meet hers?

The shame that you keep subjecting
me to has no justification.
If this is how we shall live,
I will chop you off and take you to
a which doctor for rituals.
Don't try me.

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Mildred has grown thick horns
on her head.
She says I should clean the house
and wash her attire while she goes
to her women empowerment meetings.

Yesterday when I ordered her to
never come to my house past
She pointed at me with a sharp knife
and told me to not interfere with
the ways of her life.

Oh!!! Mildred...
She has turned into a crook.
She says I must wash utensils if
at all she's the one to cook.
That when the month comes to
an end,
I should give her all my salary for
her to pamper her head.

Yesterday when I quarreled her for
coming from her women
empowerment meeting while drunk,
She said she knows her rights.
That if I lay my hand on her,
She will fight back by burning my
penis with hot water.

As a matter of fact,
Mildred tells me to make sure I have
prepared breakfast for her before
I leave for work.
That if I don't,
She will sleep in bed while I sleep on
the cold floor.

Ever since Mildred started attending
her women empowerment meetings,
She's been attempting to take over
my roles as the head of the house.

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